Turn Down Day...

What do you do with feelings that just can’t be expressed? How do you respond? Especially when you have tried everything you can to make changes for the better in your life? How many hoops do you have to go through until you just throw in the towel and give up?

“Tears don’t help and words won’t do it” The tears are all dried up…if I had some, what would I do with them, anyway…I got ‘rid’ of them long ago and now they are few and far between… too bad.. sometimes they actually DO make you feel better…

So what do I do with the disappointment I have? Who do I blame? People in high places, with power over my life? Myself? I have already beat myself up a million times over my mistakes, so do I just keep on doing it? Or is it God? Do I dare to blame Him?

I read somewhere that God will “let you get boxed into a corner” sometimes so that when you finally DO get out, you will know that it is He who opened the door. Well, I have been ‘boxed in’ for quite awhile and am starting to think that the ONLY thing that will help me here is to lose some weight and make some space and just “settle in” cause it’s gonna be an even longer stay…I have done all I can to get out on my own but…nothing…I could try to drink myself out or eat myself out , but that NEVER works for any problem, EVER-it just makes the ‘box’ more crowded…I could sleep myself out...

I tried to ‘shop’myself out, but just kept wandering in the store until I picked out a pretty wooden apple that was inscribed with “Have Faith” I also found something practical…those crazy ‘dryer balls’ that actually work to fluff up your towels…but that doesn’t count-spending money on something stupid, that counts.

But my brain is too tired to aimlessly shop…I will need therapy, again…I will need to call one of my friends, who know me well and just go ahead and give them the “co-pay” and just “talk”myself out…but I know they would feel bad for me and that is not what I need…I need to “have Faith” and get out of this stupid box somehow, some way all by myself…

So did I buy the wooden apple? “Apple core, Baltimore, who’s your friend? Me!” An old saying I love to tell my kids and grandkids…Maybe I need to be my OWN friend…And stop lying to myself and others for starters…I put the apple back on the shelf, I don’t need some stupid, wooden apple to tell me what to do…I WILL “keep the faith” but not today, I’ll do it tomorrow…today I will find a “lid” and close the box in around me and just give in and give up…I am spent…

And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.