I hate Christmas...there I said it! So sue me! And why do you ask, do I hate Christmas? Let me count the ways, but perhaps I should just list for you the "12 Ways of Christmas" eh? Whaddya think? Bah Humbug! I don't care what ya think, so you are getting this anyway!
On the First Way of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a new remodeled bathroom upstairs! Woo-Hoo! True story, not making it up. New tile, new tub, new toilet, new vanity, new faucets! WHAT could be wrong with that??? Well...He started this awesome "re-model" in October and it is now December. The little "behind the scenes" problem? I have no bathroom and that means no shower and so, I must go next door to my sister's to take showers and go downstairs to use the "facilities" as they say! Perhaps, God willing, it will be done for Christmas??? Sure! A very real possibility, BUT now we have to paint the bedroom and shampoo the carpet and remove the 30+ year old POPCORN from the ceiling! And that means that my bedroom furniture is now in my living room! Crap! Trust me, I could not make this stuff up! Talk about A Nightmare Before Christmas!
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On the Second Way of Christmas, my true love gave to me...well we can just 'cut' the true love crap right here. He's too busy working on the bathroom to do anything else! Believe me, I do NOT want to distract him from this mighty task in any way, shape or form! So the second way I hate Christmas is this: It 'sneaks' up on you. HELLO! It was only just Halloween, right? Then Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday and then BAM! Christmas!
On the Third Way of Christmas, the way it comes to me is to deck (must be where the word "decorate" comes from) the halls! I have a storage room FULL of Christmas decorations! My kids used to say "Santa Claus threw up" in our house! If it was not tied down, it got decorated. Seems, when they grew up, Santa stopped 'throwing up' mostly because Mommy was tired...And now that I have Grandkids, I feel pressure to invite Santa to vomit again! Maybe if I give him a shot of Pepto-Bismol with his cookies, it won't be tooo bad! And I think I love to decorate! I hate to un-decorate!
On the Fourth Way, I hate shopping, but mostly I hate shoppers who are done on December 1st. It's a free world, do what ya gotta do, but do you have to announce to the whole flippin world "I have ALL my shopping done!" You quite possibly could be MUZZLED by the rest of us slackers! So keep your "tidings of great joy" to yourself, would ya?
On the Fifth Way of Christmas, I hate people who decorate their houses in lights and turn them on, when? Black Friday, that's when. Those poor sentimental chumps have no idea what kinda present Florida Power and Light is gonna send them at the end of the month! But do I want them to turn them off? Hell no! I gotta have some kinda joy when I am out there fighting the Christmas "rush" and these suckers are paying, not me!
On the Sixth Way, I hate all Christmas music... I don't want to "Deck the Halls" (We discussed this 3 Ways ago,right?)or Jingle (anybody's) Bells" and I don't want to hear Karen Carpenter sing "Merry Christmas Darling" or I will go into mourning, once again. Now she had the voice of a Christmas Angel, she did. And how about those "Three Kings of Orient Are?" I always wanted to google this and find out just where Orient-Are IS on the map!
On the Seventh Way, I hate Santa Claus! That big,fat guy has been bugging me for years...Always with the pictures, every single year like clockwork! Geez it all started in the 1950s with my brother and sister, hence the photo on my first page. Now I have to pressure MY kids to have THEIR kids take a picture with this guy, which in turn, "makes" me have to shop because, I think there is a law or something that says kids have to have appropriate holiday "garb" to get the pictures taken in the first place! CRIKEY! Back to the Mall.
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On the Eighth Way of Christmas, I hate two particular Christmas movies...My favorite one to hate is the true tale of George Bailey in A WONDERFUL LIFE. It put me under some kinda wicked spell, because I found myself many years later in a Target store, hypnotized and mesmerized and ultimately being 'forced' to buy the ENTIRE collection of Bedford Falls! What a pain that was to set up every year! One year, I left my Wonderful Life Village up ALL year...It gave me such joy not to have to put it up again the next Christmas! But then I hated taking it down...Bedford Falls has been 'off the map' for many years now...So sad and I hate being sad...sometimes I feel like Georga Bailey in A Wonderful Life...sigh...And my second most hated movie? A Christmas Story, Why??? BECAUSE They play it for 24 dang hours straight on Christmas Day. How many times must I suffer looking at Scut Farkus' weasly-eyed face??? (You thought his name was Scott, didn't ya? Come on, admit it! If ya do, I'll give you a "major award") There's just something about the guy who wrote that story that is familiar... a bit of a smart aleck, he is...he kinda writes like me!
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On the NINTH WAY of Christmas, I hate that I forget to do stuff for Christmas, like to get a present for any one of my family or friends, or forgetting to make cookies or forgetting to go to The Christmas pageant or parade or forgetting to just chill out and relax or forgetting to send Christmas cards or just forgetting...Kinda like I JUST FORGOT to write about the NINTH Way, so I had to go back and edit and re-write this part of the blog! I forgot who told me I forgot though...Wait a minute! I remember! My honest darling daughter read this blog and told me I forgot! Thank God she can count...I think I forgot how, to count,that is...
On the Tenth Way, I hate ALL Hallmark movies! Now they start showing them in October! Hey, let me take off my Halloween costume first! Come on! Talk about chumps and suckers! So why do I record each and every one? I gotta have something to do while I sit and procrastinate...Hey! let me run back to the store, which involves shopping and stocking up on tissues! They must have 4-5 new movies each year and then there are the re-runs...Darn those Hallmark traditions and the commercials too!
The Eleventh Way is All the Christmas treats and food...No wonder that Santa Claus guy is so darn fat! I get the extra added "gift" of about 5 lbs per year thanks to this crummy tradition! So, figuring 5 times 40 years, No wonder I am 200 lbs overweight! Oh,I go to Weight Watchers alright, but I watch it go up, not down. Thanks a lot, Santa!
And finally the Twelfth Way of Christmas that I hate is this: I don't really hate Christmas at all...I love it...all the decking the halls, all the treats, all the pictures with Santa, all the "Wonderful Life(s) and Christmas Story(s)" all the music, especially The Carpenters...hmm I think a "Carpenter" started all this Christmas stuff in the first place and those Kings were just looking for Him to give Him gifts...That is the part I really love,that Jesus came as a baby (I just LOVE babies, who doesn't?) He came so we could all celebrate and give love to each other and all the other stuff just comes with it...Sort of a package deal, especially since that St Nick guy started going town to town bringing gifts and treats to all who believe, because that is what I love the most-The Magic of Christmas, which is all about believing and love...and who could possibly hate that!
Merry Christmas Darling, Happy New Year too...
